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Breck Carter
Last modified: February 10, 1997
mail to: bcarter@bcarter.com

The fRiDaY File, for February 10

Headlines 'R' Us

Dead man ignored pleas

- The Toronto Sun, Tuesday January 28, 1997, page 4

AOL's System Implementation Plan: Increase investment in system capacity to $250 million from the previously announced $350 million.

- Computerworld, February 3, 1997, page 14

A History Of Headlines

  • Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

  • Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

  • Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

  • Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

  • Farmer Bill Dies In House

  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

  • Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

  • Stud Tires Out

  • Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

  • Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

  • Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

  • British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

  • Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

  • Eye Drops Off Shelf

  • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

  • Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

  • Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

  • Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

  • Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

  • Miners Refuse To Work after Death

  • Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

  • Stolen Painting Found By Tree

  • Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

  • Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced To Die for Second Time In 10 Years

  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

  • Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

  • `84 War Dims Hope For Peace

  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

  • Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

  • Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

  • Deer Kill 17,000

  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

  • New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

  • Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

  • Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy

  • Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire

  • British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply

  • Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

  • Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

  • Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

  • Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

  • Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

  • Air Head Fired

  • Steals Clock, Faces Time

  • Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

  • Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni

  • Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

  • Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

  • Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

  • Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

  • Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

In The Beginning

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers,
And they spake among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spake amongst themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth, and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of the company, and in these areas in particular."

And the President looked upon the Plan,
And saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

The oXyMoRoN Watch

  • Extensive Briefing

  • Family Vacation

  • Long Weekend

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