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Breck Carter
Last modified: January 5, 1997
mail to: bcarter@bcarter.com

The fRiDaY File, for January 5

( Yeah, we know, it's sUnDaY, not fRiDaY. )

PFC Rated PG

Open the w_rowselection window in the \Foundation Class Library \Examples\EXAMPFC.PBL library delivered with PFC.

Shit/Cntl/Click Now look very carefully at the screen to discover the new key combination that no one told us about:

Goodtimes Virus - Update

It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead hamster in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve and leaves the toilet seat up. Nasty Virus!

You know you're a redneck if...

  1. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

  2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

  3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

  4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

  5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

  6. You own a homemade fur coat.

  7. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

  8. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

  9. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

  10. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

  11. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

  12. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

  13. Birds are attracted to your beard.

  14. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

  15. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

  16. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

  17. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

  18. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

  19. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

  20. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

  21. You clean your fingernails with a stick.

  22. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

  23. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

  24. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

  25. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

  26. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

  27. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

  28. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

  29. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

  30. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

  31. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

  32. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

  33. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

  34. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

  35. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

  36. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

  37. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

  38. Your considered an expert on wormbeds.

  39. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

  40. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

  41. You've ever bought a used cap.

  42. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

  43. You pick your teeth from a catalog.

  44. You've ever stolen toilet paper.

  45. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

  46. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

  47. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

  48. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

  49. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

  50. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

  51. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

  52. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

  53. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

  54. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

  55. You have ever used lard in bed.

  56. You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

  57. You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

  58. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

  59. You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

  60. You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

  61. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

  62. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

  63. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

  64. Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

  65. You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

  66. The main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.

  67. Your other truck is made by John Deere.

  68. You think suspenders are a type of shirt.

  69. Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

  70. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

  71. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

  72. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

  73. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouevre.

  74. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

  75. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

  76. Fewer than half of your cars run.

  77. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

  78. The primary color of your car is "bondo".

  79. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

  80. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.

  81. Your family tree doesn't have any branches.

  82. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

  83. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

  84. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

  85. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

  86. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

  87. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

  88. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

  89. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

  90. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

  91. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

  92. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

  93. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

  94. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

  95. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

  96. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

  97. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

  98. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Dogface?"

  99. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

  100. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

  101. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"

  102. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

  103. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

  104. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

  105. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

  106. You've ever been too drunk to fish.

  107. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

  108. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

  109. You have a rag for a gas cap.

  110. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

  111. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

  112. You've ever financed a tattoo.

  113. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

  114. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

  115. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

  116. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

  117. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

  118. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

  119. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

  120. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

  121. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

  122. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

  123. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

  124. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

  125. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...

  126. Redman sends you a Christmas card.

  127. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

  128. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

  129. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

  130. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

  131. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

  132. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

  133. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

  134. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

  135. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

  136. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

  137. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

  138. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this bafore I flush it."

  139. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

  140. You mow your lawn and find a car.

  141. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

  142. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

  143. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

  144. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

  145. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

  146. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

  147. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

  148. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

  149. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

  150. You've ever made change in the offering plate.

  151. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"

  152. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

  153. You own at least 20 baseball hats.

  154. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

  155. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

  156. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

  157. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."

  158. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

  159. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.

  160. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"

  161. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.

  162. Your "huntin' dawg" cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

  163. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

  164. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

  165. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

  166. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

  167. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

  168. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

  169. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

  170. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

  171. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

  172. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'

  173. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

  174. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

  175. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

  176. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

  177. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

  178. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

  179. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

  180. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

  181. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco

  182. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle

  183. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

  184. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

  185. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

  186. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

  187. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

  188. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.

  189. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

  190. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

  191. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

  192. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

  193. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

  194. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

  195. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

  196. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.

  197. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

  198. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

  199. The blue book value of your truck is less than the street value of your country music collection.

  200. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

  201. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

  202. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

  203. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

  204. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

  205. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

  206. Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

  207. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".

  208. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

  209. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

  210. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

  211. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".

  212. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.

  213. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

  214. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

  215. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."

  216. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".

  217. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.

  218. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

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